It’s funny how difficult it is to have a rational debate with people who have long ago accepted a fairytale as reality. So I have decided to write my own bible, and because it is the bible it will be true. All references to works and characters already in existence are purely circumstantial.
The Beginning
In the beginning there was nothing because we weren’t around then there had to be nothing, and despite there being nothing there was a bloke with a beard (who is white of course, because gods only come in one colour) whom proclaimed “Bollocks its so dark around here I cant see a bloody thing.” The being who we’ll refer to as god because this is the bible and is utterly correct, then proclaimed “Let there be light for light shineth not from my behind!” Suddenly a star formed right in front of God just like that. None of this gaseous materials condensed into a fiery mass (over billions of years) great enough to initiate nuclear fusion reactions; no this one just appeared in front of god, and because it was a star it burnt god to death.
But this is the bible and since god is the one true god his spirit endured (just like Sauron’s in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and referenced in The Silmarillion but since these don’t exist yet we’ll need to skip that) and thus was created the spirit of god. The spirit of God thought to itself ‘that wasn’t very clever now was it? Next time I’ll be more careful and create objects between me and bright burny things.’ God Proclaimed “Let there be a gigantic collection of objects between me and the bright burning thing that killed me.” And just like that the universe formed, don’t ask questions because you could never understand it, it just happened RIGHT? The spirit form of God thought to itself ‘Jesus H. Christ, I need to be more careful.’
Stay tuned for the next chapter when god makes a planet or two and although the word ecology hasnt been invented by then he’ll invent ecology only he’ll call it something else because ecology sounds too scientific.
Today I’m Listening to:
Pretty Vacant by: The Sex Pistols
Recent Comments