Well its been a long time coming, but the universe wasn’t made in 6 da…. Shut up.
Last time he created the universe, this time God turns his attention to basic physics, because everything was created by god (cos I’ve just said it was) so he had to do the hard shit too. This bible is totally infallible because I’ve just typed into it that it is.
Damn I’m bored, thought the spirit of God.
These bright shiny things, I think I’ll call em stars, they look pretty but they just sort of float around. What I need is a sucky force that sort of keeps things sort of loosely stuck together but also apart if you catch my drift. I’ll relate it to the size of the object so the bigger something is the stronger the sucky force; unless its really big and collapses into something really small and that has even more suck than seems reasonable it’ll suck so much that nothing can escape. And lo the spirit of God proclaimed ‘Let there be a sort of sucky force related to how big something is, unless its really small in which case it may have possibly even more suckyness unless it doesn’t’. And suddenly Gravity was invented, but it didn’t really work very well.
Afterwards God thought to himself I reckon Size is the wrong thing to use for this, because I am god and therefore male (because all gods are male and white with long white beards) I have a size pre-occupation. But, something can be really big, or small and still have the same sort of heaviness. I need a word for this, something that sounds suitably religiony…. MASS! God proclaimed “The other shit I said about Size forget about it, instead make it so that its related to mass!”. Damn, I’ve got to sort out some kind of infallibility…..
I would never have thought that everything depends on everything else. Pfft, before too long you’d think this place evolved, erm I mean… Shut up. Now I need something for suckyness to happen in, it’s like there’s this force but it can’t really work because there’s like no space for it to work in. God proclaimed thus “Let there be a passage of something that will make the sucky force work, which is also proportionally relative to the MASS of everything else”. Suddenly the universe arranged itself into galaxies because god just created time for gravity to happen in.
But I’ve got to come up with something that will alleviate the boredom factor a bit, there’s a pile of dust over there, and some gas here, I’m sure I can have a rummage around for some other stuff too…
Stay tuned for part 3 where god realises he cant have gravity and a world that’s flat.
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